Contributor: Sophia Reed
How many of us single people imagine that when we get married or get into a relationship that it would be some type of perfection that we have always longed for? Sounds a bit dramatic right? Well this is how so many of us think when it comes to relationships. As a matter of fact this is how I used to think when it comes to relationships and marriage.
However through my years and through my experiences, I have learned a valuable lesson, and that is that nothing or no one is perfect no matter how much of a perfect person they appear to be. I would love to sit here and tell you that I would make the perfect wife to someone one day, but the fact of the matter is that I won’t because I am not perfect. I have some issues. I have trust issues, I have a problem depending on others, I am used to making decision on my own and being the head of my own household; all of which do not sound like such a big deal, but it is.
For myself I imagine that when the time comes for me to get married I would have a very hard time trusting a husband for my well being and future. The reason being is because I have a mini family of my own, a son, and I have been living on my own since I was 18 years of age, and that was about 13 years ago.
It is hard to reverse 13 years of working hard, being independent, providing for myself, paying my own bills, and being the only responsible party in my household. And these are just a few issues that I have, but with each relationship there are two people and with a second person, they bring whole unique set of baggage into the relationship.
Whenever you meet someone that you feel you want to spend your life with you have to remember that they are not perfect. Even more so you really have to examine their imperfection and ask yourself are their imperfection something that you are going to be willing to work with? Going into a relationship you must understand that you cannot change anyone. If they change their imperfections then good for them, but this cannot be our mindset when trying to join ourselves with someone else.
We have to hold the mentality that these people come “as is” and if we are willing to be with them, then we must accept them as is. Meaning that if you get married and if the person has the same issues as when you were dating them, then you cannot expect them to magically change into someone else. You are never going to find perfection in one person, the point is to get with the person that has the issues that you feel are tolerable and that you are willing to work on together.
I think I used to have the always the other person syndrome, until it took some deep reflection that it was not always them, but it was sometimes me. I really had some past deep rooted psychotic tendencies. If I were to tell you some of of the things I did in past relationships due to my deep rooted trust issues you would think I was a clever spy that belonged in the CIA or something.
And it is not something that I can just shrug off because they are issues that I gained from past relationships, friendships, and interactions with other people. So distrust has become apart of my regular routine. With that being said it is going to take a strong man to be able to deal with it, and I am going to have to be a strong woman to be able to get over it. But the key is to be with someone that is willing to accept and work with you on your issues, not make them worse. And as long as this understanding is between the two of you, and you both are willing to work on both of your issues; then this is what we call love.
So many people get loved confused with infatuation or lust; and as soon as that person does something that does not fit into the mold of the fantasy of the fake reality that we have created in our heads, we are willing to bounce and tell ourselves that this must not be real. I am convinced this is why the divorce rate is so high, because of people’s unrealistic expectations of marriage.
When people look at me as the 30 plus single women, they think I am in desperation mode. Not knowing how many men I have turned down because I realize this simple fact about love. I was not willing to deal with the baggage that they came with and they were not willing to deal with mine. So therefore I knew right off the back that it was simply not going to work. Instead of wasting more of my years in a relationships trying to make a square puzzle piece fit into a round hole, I learn to let go early and be open to the type of relationship that I am looking for.
So in closing, love is great, wonderful, and can be a fulfilling experience. But take it for what it is and know that you are not going to live in Cinderella land all the time. With relationships comes two people, with separate issues, baggage, and downfalls. The loves comes into play when you still care for them despite their shortcomings and are willing to be patient with them until they work through it. Understand? I hope so. Until next time.
If you enjoyed reading this article, please visit Sophia’s website to read more. http://therapyncounseling.blogspot.com